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When
I start working on a new book, part of the challenge is knowing
the back story. Not just knowing who the hero and heroine are, but
how they got that way. For instance, Mallory, the heroine of As
Bad As Can Be, is guarded as anything. The only person she
really trusts is her brother, Dev. For her, love always comes at
a price. In a relationship, the person who loves the most loses
control. Mallory will never lose control, she vows. She knows too
much the cost.
And how
do I know this? By developing the back story -- imagining important
people in her life who may not even appear in the book, and how
those people affected her life. For example, here's a bit of how
I imagine Mallory's mother, Dorie, to be:
Dorie
grew up in a small town in western Montana. At 14, she watched the
Beatles at Shea Stadium and dreamed of a life beyond the backwater
that she had to call home. At 16, she was listening to the local
college station in Missoula, Montana, just a 20 minute ride down
the highway. She started calling into the station and talking with
the night deejay, a college junior named Bruce who introduced her
to the world of political protests, the antiwar movement, long hair,
and rebellion. One spring night, she hitchhiked to Missoula and
showed up at the station. When his shift was over, they went to
an all night party. It was the first time she took drugs. It was
the first time she ever made love. Her life was never the same.
Every
week, she started going up to Missoula, first ignoring the protests
of her parents, then sneaking out. Bruce started talking about the
scene in San Francisco, saying he'd head that way as soon as classes
let out. He asked her to come with him. She was 17 and it was the
Summer of Love.
San Francisco
was a haze of music and parties and drugs for Dorie. When word came
down about a far out concert called Woodstock, she jumped in a van
with a couple of other guys and started across country, determined
to make it to the concert of the century. When the van engine burned
out, they began to hitchhike; when they had a hard time getting
rides, she began to offer to sleep with the truckdrivers. After
all, it was the 60s, and sex was no big deal.
Somehow,
things began to change, though. When they reached Detroit, they
crashed with friends of friends, and she shot heroin for the first
time. After that, their trip across country became a dream. At Woodstock,
she got handed off to a different group, a harder group, and they
headed south. Things began to fade, then, held together only by
the fixes and the whisper of the needle. Outside of New York, she
stumbled off to hitch a ride with a group of bikers. Near the dockyards
in Philadelphia, they began to exact their fare
Dale
Carson was on his way home from his night shift at the docks when
he saw something at the side of the road. Motorcycles roared away,
sparks shooting out of their tail pipes. He almost didn't see the
small bundle they left behind.
And then
it moved, and he realized that it was a child. No, a girl, he saw
as he got closer. Emaciated, with a wild tangle of hair and a trickle
of blood coming from her mouth, where they'd hit her. That wasn't
all they'd done, he realized grimly, and picked her up to put her
in his van. As he was putting her into his van, she opened her eyes
and looked at him, and his heart was lost, simply as that.
The drive
to the emergency room was short. When he realized she had no insurance
or even I.D., he put down money for her. Malnutrition, the doctors
said. Pneumonia. V.D. And, very possibly, drug addiction.
Dale
didn't care. He visited her every day, sitting patiently by her
bed though she was unconscious or raving. He spoke to her in a soft
voice, stroked the hair out of her eyes. The day she awoke, he was
there, with a shy smile and some flowers, and he welcomed her back
into the world.
Eventually,
she recovered enough that the doctors said she'd have to go. Dorie
panicked, not wanting to call her parents, not knowing where else
to go. Simple, Dale said. She could come with him. She could live
at his house. They could marry.
And grateful
to this gentle man who'd helped her to escape, feeling barely able
to cope with the world she now knew, Dorie accepted.
In
the beginning, their marriage was a safe haven and Dorie felt grateful
and safe within the shelter of Dale's love. Bruised and battered
by the world, she was happy to hide out from it and let him care
for her. Life was a series of calm, quiet days broken up by nights
during which she'd bask in the glow of adoration and care. Day by
day, week by week, Dorie grew stronger. Within their little circle
of two, all was comforting, soothing, quiet and easy. She told herself
what she felt for him was love, and perhaps it was. And though the
depression she'd lived with all her life threatened to overcome
her, she battled it back grimly and gave Dale no hint of what demons
she fought.
When
Dale hinted that he'd like to start a family, she banished the initial
uneasiness and asked herself 'why not?'. Motherhood wasn't quite
what she expected, though. The pregnancy was difficult, the birth
more so. Exhausted by 26 hours of labor and sleepless nights before
and after, she soon found herself at her wit's end. When Dale came
home one night to find her in hysterical tears with two-week-old
old Dev, he suggested that his sister Rue come stay with them to
help out. Dorie agreed without thinking.
And so
things went from bad to worse. Bad enough that Dorie had to deal
with bouts of depression. Now she had to deal with big sister Rue.
For Rue, who had practically raised Dale, no woman would have been
good enough. But Dorie was quite literally street trash, a no good
who had tricked Dale into marrying her, as Rue saw it. She was civil
in front of Dale, but when he wasn't around, she was contemptuous
and spiteful, doing her best to drive Dorie away.
Dorie
slid deeper into depression and finally begged Dale to send Rue
home. Dorie was ready to get out from under the black cloud that
was Rue and just focus on being a mother. Somehow, though, life
didn't go back to the warmth and comfort that had gone before. It
was no longer just Dale and her, there was a child, Dev. No longer
was she the one being cosseted; now Dale lavished his care on the
Dev, or so it seemed.
When
she felt the first stirrings of discontent, she pushed them down.
It was just the frustrations of a new baby, she told herself. A
year went by, then two, and she found herself more and more restless.
Finally, when Dev turned three and a half, she began to work part
time.
Over
Dale's objections, she began working in a bar a few nights a week.
They couldn't afford day care, she reasoned, and she could make
more in tips than she could working at the local drug store. In
truth, she began working at the bar because she wanted to, because
it brought a welcome breath of excitement to her life. She remembered
again what it was like to be out at night, to party and laugh it
up.
Barely
six months passed before the bad news?she was pregnant again. Dale
insisted that she stop working to get out of the smoky environment
that was bad for the baby, he said. Dorie reluctantly agreed. The
pregnancy was difficult, the birth more so. And the time afterward
became nightmarish. Whatever joys of motherhood she felt were swallowed
up in sleep deprivation and depressionTrying to keep up with an
infant and a toddler was nearly impossible. Life stretched out into
weeks and months of drudgery. She waited for the joys of motherhood
to come, but she merely felt tired and increasingly trapped. The
pretty, sexy woman she'd once been had been subsumed by a sexless
mothering creature who had no identity of her own.
Had she
ever felt love for Dale, Dorie wondered, or had it just been gratitude?
And why couldn't she muster more than halfhearted affection for
her children? Why was it that all she saw when she looked at them
was outstretched hands and demands?
When
her daughter Mallory turned three, Dorie went back to work, back
to the bar, the lights, the music. The men. With a tray in her hand
and a short skirt, she felt attractive again.
Things
were about to change...
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